Interesting

I just engaged in some Facebook 'research' (looking up someone from your past).

One of my HS boyfriends is married and I was really surprised to see his wife looks A LOT like me, like creepily so. I guess everyone has a type, but talk about a surprise.

I didn't want to post this or anything, but I guess I had to tell someone and who better than no one  lol

It continues

I am still looking for a job, but it feels like I'm getting closer to actually getting hired. I've had a few successful interviews and now I'm just going through the different phases until I hopefully get hired.

I really started freaking out realizing there is just no way I was going to make it through April until I remembered I could get a short term loan through school. It's not a lot of money, but enough to pay the rent and a couple of bills and keep me sheltered for another month. And it sure beats having to beg my family again. They were so generous--they loaned me 200 bucks...and grudgingly at that and very much so sent along with tons of judgement. Gotta love it.

So--still trying to think happy thoughts and I really really hope that I have a job by the end of the month. :D

Nerves

I am seriously starting to freak about not having a job. I am a month away from a possible eviction notice. I have applied to SO many jobs.

I live in a small town--there is work available here, but everyone wants people with serious experience. NO ONE is going to move here to be your crepe chef, just train someone and move the fuck on.

It's stressing me out beyond belief and I'm trying to remain calm and remember that things always work out.

I am waiting for a call back this week from a great job and I keep visualizing them calling me, telling me they'd like to offer me a job and me making a decent wage, saving for a car, etc. It's going to happen. I will get this awesome job and life will continue and things will be awesome.

:D

Shhh...I'm hunting for a job!

The never ending job search. I've put out at least 20 apps into the universe. I got a part time gig doing what I've gone to school for, but 2 nights work isn't going to pay the rent, though I wish it could.

Today I go forth and apply at the local sweatshop, but with the possibility of 40 hours a week, I'll be making twice what I did as a Grad Asst. and I can't even imagine having enough money to pay my bills AND maybe have some fun now and again AND put some in savings, shocking!

I've also made the choice to stay around and get my teaching credential while I work on my thesis--which I've yet to have a meeting about. I just can't really concentrate until I get a job and know that I'm not going to be homeless.

The show from hell is almost over and done with, just furniture to return. I don't know why I have to be there to move it, but whatever. After it's all over, I will peacefully say a big eff you to the troublesome bits and move on, yay!

Job!

I seriously need to find a job and there is NOTHING out there that I can do. Everyone wants endless experience, which is odd considering I live in such a tiny town with limited resources as concerns potential employees.

Trade school sounds like a really good idea about now.

Dating

I just don't know. I meet people in real life and think we have a connection and I wait and wait and wait and finally I ask if they'd ever consider going out on a date and the answer is invariably, no.

Even internet dating sends up no interest. I'm starting to get a little lonely and that is NOT the reason to even venture into a relationship. But I'm not sad lonely--I just want someone to share life with, to find that person with whom I can share everything with and them the same with me. I want love and friendship and that 'us against the world' kind of attitude.

But I'm getting a little scared. I'm going to be 36 and I've never met this person. Where do you meet people? I'm out and about, I go to parties and hang out with friends and their friends. I go to events, and all that other stuff. But, nothing. I'm social and like to laugh and hear what people have to say--I'm not cold or distant or not interested. But still, nothing.

I sometimes wonder if I made some horrible mistake in the past that will prevent me from ever finding someone. I know I am fine on my own--but I want more.

Trying Times

Fact: you cannot have a professional conversation if the other person refuses to behave like a professional. I am working with a woman old enough to be my mother, yet she cannot behave like a rational human being and instead insists upon belittling me to my face and in front of others. You can tell she makes other people uncomfortable and extremely unhappy. She lives a life filled with stress, fear and obvious inadequacy issues--I'd dislike her if I didn't feel so terribly sorry for her.

How can life be at all happy when you live in a pit of sorrow and can't see the forest for the trees?!

I was taught, in these situations, to smile and nod. It's actually gotten me through the process thus far. I'm 35, I'm a grown woman and in similar situations I am taken seriously and can hold my own. In fact, I am often praised for my work and ideas. It is so very alien to have someone smirk or make snide comments or such when I am working with other people. Unfathomable and so very unprofessional.

And to top it all off, this is a person who has been the receiver of many a generous loan in the form of costumes--over many years--and yet begrudges a loan on her part of 1 simple item. How can you compare the lending of thousands of dollars worth of goods over the loan of something that costs less than $50? Petty. Childish. Selfish.

These are things I hope not to become. I believe you learn something from every person you meet and interact with. This experience has taught me that I need to watch my behavior so I can continue to make and keep friends and that I cannot let small disappointments turn me bitter or petty. That smile and nod may sometimes be false, but the more you smile the more you are able to keep smiling and mean it.

Saturday!

I kinda have the day off! Yay! I do have to do a little show shopping, but nothing mega and then I get to spend the rest of the day not painting or hanging wallpaper or hearing how inferior I am  lol

It's funny the things people say in order to make themselves look better--and yet I could point out several things they are doing wrong and make snide comments as well, but I don't. Gossip is never a good thing, but I wonder if actively trying to demoralize someone is on par or worse. I've been accused of being mean but I've actually never tried to beat someone down with my words--odd, that.

Anyways, I'm feeling well, looking forward to wearing clean non-paint splattered clothes and makeup and feeling human and not like a robot, rawr!

$200

The going rate for what your family will loan you when times are tough. I am actually VERY surprised that all the family members I've reached out to have agreed to send me money. This is a great moment in my family's history as we are not known for our fiduciary kindness, but rather our condescension and 'I told you so's'.

Chalk this one up to--you learn something new everyday.

Now, off to paint some walls and floors, oh joy! However, it is all made easier by the fact that my director likes what I'm doing and has told the stressful lady who runs the theatre to just trust me. She's not all bad, no one is, just so VERY difficult to work with. Immaturity in an adult who has a high position of responsibility is tiring.

Speaking of tiring, I really hope I get to take this weekend off. :D

Adults vs. Kids

Sometimes, it's hard to tell the difference.

I have been 'warned' about having a bad attitude many times by the head of my department--sometimes it's true, sometimes it's a misunderstanding and sometimes, it's actually the other person.

I'm a grown up--and sometimes I have an attitude. However, as 'sensitive' as I am--other people can be freaking NUTS! I've seen a grown woman cry when someone offered constructive criticism on her work--CRY! WTF?!

I am working with another woman, in her 50's, who uses the silent treatment when she's upset with someone. She runs on stress 24/7 and drives people away. Her attitude compared to her work output is in NO way acceptable. Frankly, I'd fire her.

Sure, I get abrupt at times, but I get my work done and done well. I am often-times congratulated on my work, I've won awards for what I do--and have been told I am inspirational to other people in my field. I don't engage in playground games. If I have a problem with you, I tell you. I don't hide behind silly strategies that only work to make other people feel like shit.

And btw--bitchmonster--it's a cup of coffee! Take a breath and realize that a 5 minute stop for coffee won't destroy the rest of the world, get over it.

Super amazing day...

Today.

Today I get to drive almost an hour a way to paint because the person whose job it is, is incapable of doing so. Of painting--from a sample I've given--to floorboards...and wall...

Then again, they were incapable of cutting out the walls with pictures and measurements to show how they should be shaped.

They also don't have the proper tools for their job so they can, I don't know, do their job instead of asking me a billion questions on the phone.

And then I get to deal with the interfering bitch monster who can't keep their nose out of anything and must have an opinion about everything--I really can't wait to tell her today that I don't give a fuck about her opinion and that the set is going to look the way I want it, because I designed it, and she can suck a dick which would probably make her far more happy than she is right now.

I'm usually not this petty, but I find it amazing the level of emotional manipulation these people try to inflict. My smile and nod is not about giving in, it's about restraining myself from tearing their eyes out.

Oh Monday!

What you'll do for money...

I know I'm broke when I'm willing to wake up at the crack of dawn to give to someone. However, it is an extremely generous offer and only requires a few hours of sewing on my part. I kind of want to ask if I've been 'given' this opportunity as a way of them helping me, but I'll leave well enough alone and be happy with the opportunity.

Back to asking the family for money--my Aunt responded with a resounding yes. My Grandfather demanded big explanations as to why I had abandoned my family. I didn't realize that in life, it is the responsibility of one person to maintain a relationship with their entire family regardless of how much they shun you. Long story short, I sent a very tear-filled email as to how I felt and I guess he could understand because he's going to help as well. I still have not heard from my uncle and at this point I don't think I shall.

Unfortunately, I think one of the conditions of being loaned this money is me talking with my mother. Growing up, most of my memories are of everyone else but my mother--she was a selfish woman with a personal agenda and I never felt as though I were part of it. When my younger siblings came along, she had plenty of love for them--but I think I was the 'oops' pregnancy and she transferred that onto me when I was born. As a result, she's allowed situations to occur that never should have, she has exposed me to dangerous situations that didn't always end well.

I have forgiven her for these things because I'd rather not live a life where I play the part of victim. However, I think it would be unwise to forget--because by forgetting I could potentially open myself up to similar situations. Besides, not once have I heard an apology or have been asked to forgive. And I firmly believe when there is a volatile force in your life, you need to remove it in order to grow.

Good grief, how did money turn into mother issues--oy!

Infantilize me...

I'm 35 ladies and gentlemen. I'm a grown woman with her own opinions and thoughts. I have taken care of myself since I was 16 and continue to do so regardless of the obstacles in my path. I've had relationships, been loved, gone to college, paid rent and bills, bought clothes specifically for work and other grown up type stuff.

Why then, WHY, am I forever treated as some type of child, especially in the work place! Yes--I'm short, that doesn't affect my brain or age. Sure, I haven't had huge world type adventures yet, I haven't pushed a baby out, I haven't been married--but this in no way makes me less of an adult.

People are so intent on thinking they need to hold my hand through everything and it's absolutely frustrating. Decisions get made for me, I see the patronizing look in peoples eyes. My ideas are shot down even though I'm the one in charge--and it's always the men who come in to rescue me from myself.

If I need help, I seek it. I'm not the type of person who is too proud to admit they don't know something. But when I do know, it makes no difference. Co-workers, peers, even my Professors, will do the work for me because it is just easier for them.

I have to back that up with, I have a tendency to think a little different than other people. I don't have a learning disability or anything--but some things seem like they're being taught backwards. Then again, I'm supposedly predominately right handed, but cannot tie knots except the left handed way with my right hand--this seems to carry over in some other areas.

That brings me to another rant--when did people start giving up? I know my teachers have--they've even said, I have tenure now, hahahaha

Then GET OUT of teaching if you're going to become some immovable force of boredom. Teach because you like it--because you get satisfaction out of enhancing minds--not because you can't get fired for being a lazy bastard.

The people I'm supposed to impress are the same ones whose opinions I don't respect. They have a very important job, but they fill their lives with so much other busy crap that they cannot focus on their JOB, their responsibility that countless people rely on them for. They are feckless wastes of my time and I really hope they leave because they've effectively locked down good job opportunities for others with their lazy selfish actions.

Ok, this was just a craptastic rant, but I guess I had to get it out. I could go on, but what's the point.

Drinking

It's official, I have no filter when I drink and become incredibly amorous. Granted, I remember everything about the evening, but it's like I just want to cuddle as well.

Now, it's not as though just anyone would do-but I find it interesting the people I find attractive recently. There is nothing wrong with them, but my tastes have definitely changed and I have a new appreciation for all kinds of men.

On another note, I heard back from my grandfather. His response to my plea for help was, why have you abandoned your family? I wasn't aware I was solely responsible for all the relationships within my family--I'm fairly certain there is always give and take. This, coming from the man I have seen approximately 5 times in my life and whose idea of 'staying in touch' is to send me a card every other year or so. Regardless of my age now, he was the adult but now I get the blame. Very typical in my family. I refuse to feel shamed, I know we all bear responsibility for the lapse in communication. I think he thinks I'm just some loser because I don't compare to his wife's children who are annoying in their averageness. I'm an artist--which sounds like a load of crap--but I am and it's not going to please everyone, but I only need to please myself.

Week in Review

What a truly odd and amazing week it's been.

I got to work a little--so there is a paycheck the future there. I made a new friend that I am hanging out with tonight, yay! I begged my family for money, awkward. I proposed a change to my thesis and have so far received a nice amount of support. I told a very religious zealot what I thought of them and then unfriended them on Facebook.

All of it has felt intense, even the silly unfriending. I mean really--how is it cool to go on FB day after day and beg all your FB friends for money and food and then squander the money you do have on stupid trips to say, Disneyland! Really? Learn how to spend your money well. I am totally bad with money, but when I do have some I spend it on things like food and bills--not a trip to Disneyland. Also, don't freaking post how every other religion in the world is a joke and your Christianity makes your choice in religion superior to everyone else's, that's just insulting.

It's been raining hardcore for about 3 days now. Walking home was interesting as I had to take weird squiggly paths in order to avoid 1ft+ deep rivers of water. It's supposed to keep raining into next week and one day we're supposed to get snow. Seems a bit late for Winter to make it's way here, but really it always feels more like Spring anyways.

Now, to make some cookies to bring to this shin-dig so my poverty doesn't make me look like a leech.

Money

Always, it comes down to money. I have been working now for 20 years, have paid my way that entire time. Now I find myself between paychecks and employment and I actually asked my family for money. This is something I've never done and which has left me feeling quite awkward--and I only clicked the 'send' button moments ago.

Frankly, I feel more comfortable asking friends for money--though some argue the two should never mix--I find I've always had an easy relationship with my friends when it comes to financials and all the things we do for one another which makes financial help the same as any other type of favor.

But asking my family, I feel shamed--embarrassed. I know none of them condone my choice of career or my educational pursuits and that is their right to feel that way. No one, with the exception of friends, has ever supported me in my goals and it makes it difficult to not second guess myself when things don't go the way I've planned.

I know my situation will not always be as dire as it is now--there is always an ebb and flow in life--but it's difficult to remind yourself of these truths, to keep your head held high and know that your current financial situation isn't always a reflection of who you are as a person.

Besides, so many others have so much more to worry over--this is just a drop in the bucket of hard times.