120 before 40!

After a lot of research and experimentation, I am on my way to weighing 120 pounds before I turn 40. This gives me a little over 2.5 years to lose 100 pounds.

I've looked in to Paleo and I really enjoy it, but I also need me some boundaries. I've considered Weight Watchers, but at roughly 1240 calories a day, I knew I wasn't going to last long. I've read too many times that a woman looking to lose weight should consume at least 1500 calories a day in order to not only be healthy, but to also maintain that level of restriction. Less is not good for the long term and this is a change I want to implement forever.

So, now I'm on MyFitnessPal.com and I'm figuring out how to feel satisfied while staying within my 1650 calorie limit. I don't foresee any great difficulties other than trying to find snacks and such that work. I'm not going to go back to tons of grains or such and I've drastically improved my diet over the past year, so this should be much simpler.

I'm doing this to be healthy, not to please anyone but myself. I will admit, however, that intimacy has been an issue as I tend to hide myself. And, if I don't want to see myself in intimate situations, I don't want to assume anyone does either.

This is not to say that larger people cannot be loved. But I'm not full-figured. I've gone beyond that point. I have to face it, I'm fat! It's unhealthy and unattractive and there is no excuse other than sheer laziness. I respect my body and all it does for me but I cannot say I love it's current physical condition as regards the excess pounds.

Dating has also been problematic. While I've run the gambit in dating partners as concerns weight, height, intelligence, looks, income, etc I wonder if my weight does keep me back from perhaps finding someone who is more suited to me. Of all the [many] dates I've been on, only 2 have obviously been turned-off by my body. Overall, it's not a problem. However, I'm a super energetic peppy person and the men I find who are also of a like mind are also looking for someone who is healthy. I can't blame them! I don't want to have to worry about someone else's health due to their weight.

So, I admit the shallow and say yes--as much as your mind can turn me on, your body must as well. I cannot be a hypocrite and expect someone to look at me and not take that in to consideration. This isn't going to stop me from seeking a partner, but it will be interesting to see if the partners change in any respect.

2.5 years--it's a long time and not so long, to lose 100 pounds. Even then I'd still be considered overweight, but I remember being 100 pounds and thinking I looked skeletal. So, 120 is my goal for now. 

Wish me luck and we'll see how things turn out!

Interesting

I just engaged in some Facebook 'research' (looking up someone from your past).

One of my HS boyfriends is married and I was really surprised to see his wife looks A LOT like me, like creepily so. I guess everyone has a type, but talk about a surprise.

I didn't want to post this or anything, but I guess I had to tell someone and who better than no one  lol

It continues

I am still looking for a job, but it feels like I'm getting closer to actually getting hired. I've had a few successful interviews and now I'm just going through the different phases until I hopefully get hired.

I really started freaking out realizing there is just no way I was going to make it through April until I remembered I could get a short term loan through school. It's not a lot of money, but enough to pay the rent and a couple of bills and keep me sheltered for another month. And it sure beats having to beg my family again. They were so generous--they loaned me 200 bucks...and grudgingly at that and very much so sent along with tons of judgement. Gotta love it.

So--still trying to think happy thoughts and I really really hope that I have a job by the end of the month. :D

Nerves

I am seriously starting to freak about not having a job. I am a month away from a possible eviction notice. I have applied to SO many jobs.

I live in a small town--there is work available here, but everyone wants people with serious experience. NO ONE is going to move here to be your crepe chef, just train someone and move the fuck on.

It's stressing me out beyond belief and I'm trying to remain calm and remember that things always work out.

I am waiting for a call back this week from a great job and I keep visualizing them calling me, telling me they'd like to offer me a job and me making a decent wage, saving for a car, etc. It's going to happen. I will get this awesome job and life will continue and things will be awesome.

:D

Shhh...I'm hunting for a job!

The never ending job search. I've put out at least 20 apps into the universe. I got a part time gig doing what I've gone to school for, but 2 nights work isn't going to pay the rent, though I wish it could.

Today I go forth and apply at the local sweatshop, but with the possibility of 40 hours a week, I'll be making twice what I did as a Grad Asst. and I can't even imagine having enough money to pay my bills AND maybe have some fun now and again AND put some in savings, shocking!

I've also made the choice to stay around and get my teaching credential while I work on my thesis--which I've yet to have a meeting about. I just can't really concentrate until I get a job and know that I'm not going to be homeless.

The show from hell is almost over and done with, just furniture to return. I don't know why I have to be there to move it, but whatever. After it's all over, I will peacefully say a big eff you to the troublesome bits and move on, yay!

Job!

I seriously need to find a job and there is NOTHING out there that I can do. Everyone wants endless experience, which is odd considering I live in such a tiny town with limited resources as concerns potential employees.

Trade school sounds like a really good idea about now.

Dating

I just don't know. I meet people in real life and think we have a connection and I wait and wait and wait and finally I ask if they'd ever consider going out on a date and the answer is invariably, no.

Even internet dating sends up no interest. I'm starting to get a little lonely and that is NOT the reason to even venture into a relationship. But I'm not sad lonely--I just want someone to share life with, to find that person with whom I can share everything with and them the same with me. I want love and friendship and that 'us against the world' kind of attitude.

But I'm getting a little scared. I'm going to be 36 and I've never met this person. Where do you meet people? I'm out and about, I go to parties and hang out with friends and their friends. I go to events, and all that other stuff. But, nothing. I'm social and like to laugh and hear what people have to say--I'm not cold or distant or not interested. But still, nothing.

I sometimes wonder if I made some horrible mistake in the past that will prevent me from ever finding someone. I know I am fine on my own--but I want more.